7.11.19
━
i feel so unloved lately.
am i unloveable?
is there something wrong with me that
makes it hard to care?
is it that im undeserving of it?
i just want to be told i'm loved, or have it shown to me.
is it too much to ask?

7.16.19
━
a few things i never said (or plan to say):
why won't you talk to me about your problems?
you say you want comfort and consolation,
but refuse my help and care.
i know you have trust issues and it takes time to work through those,
but i can't give you what you want if you don't tell me how.
as much as i wish i could peer into your brain
and study your thoughts, i'm no mind reader.
are you expecting too much of me?
am i not what you wanted the more you got to know me?
or do you not know me enough?
i feel like i don't know enough about you,
but maybe i don't make the effort to learn.
i just want to give you everything and i would
break every single piece of me if it meant that you were happy,
but maybe that's not what you want.
i don't care if i were hurting, you come first before me.
i wonder if you even care?
you say communication is important,
but never speak your mind or verbalize your problems.
do you not worry about our relationship?
not even that it affects us,
but it won't help you in the long run.
its hypocritical of me to berate you for locking things up
because i do the same.
it makes me think you dont trust me
and i know i'm not as close to you as your friends,
but i want to be. let me into your life,
its all i ask of you and i don't care if it hurts me in the end,
all that matters is now.
i bet i'm making this about me, its not really my intention...
i just want you to be happy and stop pushing me away.
it hurts.
it all fucking hurts.

7.17.19
━
im not sure what you think,
but if you think im dumb,
or blind to what you're doing,
i'm not.
im well aware and i think its childish.
i don't get in a pissy mood when you
hype up your friends,
even if i feel at all jealous,
so why can't i get the same respect?
am i undeserving of it?

7.27.19
━
i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i miss them i do i do i do im so alone its deafening id give anything to hold them in my arms id give anything to have one last word with them i just wanna talk and laugh and cry and fight and repeat the cycle over and over a gain and a-fucking-gain i miss them and thats all i will ever do im sure of it theres nothing here theres nothing left im sure of it now

7.29.19
━
i think im starting to accept the fact that
she doesn't love me.
and i think i'm okay with it.
it doesn't mean it hurts any less,
if anything it hurts more.
the loneliness, the awkwardness.
would it be easier if we broke up?
or am i just giving up
i don't know what i want anymore, because,
what i wanted i never got and will never recieve.
but was i ever deservant of it?
i think i just wasn't made for love, because i love too hard
and sacrifice everything for that person, doing anything to keep them satisfied,
but they never seem to reciprocate.
maybe i'm too caring, too giving, too... whatever
and that's why its hard to deal with me.
maybe i'm just unlovable. i think i am.
and yet its so hypocritical because, if i was given the same treatment,
i would hate it. i wouldn't be able to handle it.
i can't be loved, its too much and, even if it breaks me
and tears me down until i'm nothing,
i prefer to give it all up for love, no matter the cost.
its not like i matter anyways.