i havent felt this way since aubrey. the shallow, fast-paced breathing. the quickly rising chest. the calm before the storm. the sting of the nostrils as you breathe in oxygen and expell it at such an alarming rate you start becoming lightheaded from the rapid movement. and every other minute where you draw in a deep, shaky breath and your throat is hit with such a cold it dries out your esophagus and you feel the urge to down every ounce of the nearest liquid in sight. you want it to stop, you want to breathe normally, but at the same time its what you deserve, isnt it? you always deserve the worst in life. and you stop. you stop breathing, lips pursed, face stone-cold. you sit there and dont breathe because youre afraid if you do you'll start hyperventilating again and you won't stop. your head is in the clouds, you feel as though you are no longer in touch with your body - your physical form. your spirit is somewhere else, whether its high above or deep below. but you know where it is. you know where it will be going when you stop breathing once again. its a short time in reality, but it feels like ages as you sit there trying to compose yourself. trying to reconnect the split parts of yourself. you dont breathe. for periods of time you sit with a blank face and wait. and you breathe in the shallowest of breaths. your throat is dry so taking in air through your mouth is a pain. but its peaceful. youve never felt so peaceful in your whole life. its like sitting on a cloud and just waiting to fall through the atoms and
molecules and whatever the fuck else a cloud is made up of. the calm before the storm. you dont cry, you never cry because your sick, disgusting, twisted self is nearly incapable of producing tears. you feel warm but not warm enough that youre sweating. it feels like youve experienced a sudden death within yourself. but you deserve it. you always do. you always will. the world is waiting for the day you dont breathe. youre waiting for the day you suck in your last breath. a sudden death.