10.?.19
━
there's a feeling i can't shake. a feeling of emptiness, lonliness, worthlessness.
i know you say how much i mean to you,
but i dont know how much longer i can fall for that.
i just wanted to be perfect, yet i am nothing but a piece of shit,
unlovable, selfish cunt.
do i have no shame??? do i not realize the burden i am to people,, the nuicense i am??
its no wonder no one loves me.
ill never be good enough, quiet enough, composed enough.
the perfect little bitch i wanted to be.
i need to lock it all in... i try to hurt myself into staying quieter, but it isnt working
i try to type my emotions out and pray that no one i know finds them, or cares enough to read,
but i still get emotional.
or vague and worrisome. troublesome
itd be easier if i wasnt alive, if i hadnt been born.
and how selfish and disgusting of me to ramble to a friend when they were hurting.
i dont care if i realized it or not, im fucking sick for that.
i can never forgive myself for the things i put them through.
im a monster.

10.?.19
━
the longer i think about it, the more i realize how misplaced i am.
a glitch in the system, i'm an intruder. i wasnt meant to be here.
i destroy,, i break everything in my path, a storm of destruction.
no one wanted me here, no one would seem to mind if i was gone.
ill never get anything right, or make anyone happy.
its not part of my code, is it?
im simply a defect that has yet to be fixed.
i will never be fixed.. i will never be who i want to be.
im imperfect,, im too emotional, too whiny, too needy, too selfish...
im simply too much. and i know that no one in my life wants to handle me.
im just baggage.. im the unnecesary weight on your back, pulling you down.
i think i should just curl up into a ball and let the earth encompass me, dragging me down and suffocating me.
and ill rot into the roots of flowers and trees and kill them,
ill waste away and leave the dirt putrid and water unclean.
im going to ruin this world like i ruin everyone and everything i love.
its funny how i say all this,, make false promises to mold myself into
the person i have to be, and yet i never do.
i have thought of so many ways to stay in line, yet i fail to see them through.
but i wont stop.
not until everything is locked up inside, not until i can pull the perfect smile,
not until every inch of the skin covering my sickening, skeletal body is littered with scars.
no one will love me then, no one will want to look at me then.
and its okay, because i wouldnt deserve it anyways.
its pure masochism. some sort of psychotic fuckery only the sickest of freaks could think up.
maybe thats what i am.
i dont belong in the world... thats what it has to be.
otherwise, why am i even here?

10.8.19
━
i have no shame, do i?
it's evident to me that something isn't right.
i can't make anyone happy, im disgusting.
the most sickening person alive.
everyone i know and love is suffering and i rain
hell on them, making it worse.
especially towards them. they're going through so much shit...
why am i so whiny?
i can't hide my emotions around them... maybe i need to fix that.
i won't though. i'm the fucking greatest at making false promises.
promising to do things for people, but when do i actually go through with it?
i wanna delete my accounts, delete myself maybe.
there's no point. there's nothing left for me here.
the person who i've loved for so long doesn't notice me,
the person i had left me for better things.
it was my fault anwyays.
its all my fault.
i could never make them happy, of course i would ruin her too.
and ruin her life.
oh fucking well.
what does it matter? why does any of this matter.
sometimes i lay in bed and wonder if they'd think of me any differently...
if they knew about... that.
that part of me that i can't seem to run from.
they knew once, but maybe they forgot it?
part of me hopes thats the case.
i'm just tired of being alone, with no anchor to hold.
they keep me somewhat sane, yet i destroy them.
they deserve better than the shit i am.
i wouldn't leave them though, even if they would be better off
without me.
i've hurt them too many times in doing that.
but that's what i'm best at, right?
i can't live without destroying.
that's why it's best i don't live at all.